Dont Talk About Love

20 entires per page... abouts
Sep. 29th, 2006 present
first entry
http://alvraad.livejournal.com/?skip=380
earlier later links at the bottom reads bottom to top...
Though there are entries before this... lj wont let me skip back more...

Jan 17th 2008 I added all our emails and stuff from journals today also some of my rough drafts and other random poetry I found on my computer. I also made public every entry. This journal is becoming a mess.

Jan 18th 2008 new posts put up today...
A few more I need to get down still
when I find my other two journals...
And feel like reliving a few events
+ my feeling on certain issues...

March 28th turned a couple private entries public...

April 8th more entries...

April 11th cant sleep from all these questions. Working on this calms me down actually. Im almost finished and have no clue what to do when I am done... My paper journal along with the lil notebook I was keeping stuff in since january is missing... My mom tells me heather took them.. w/e

April 12th A couple touch ups on entries... Im going to get rid of all these feelings soon.

April 22 I finished... added her letters and made the 7 page letter where alot of my true feelings have been hiding were... it is dispersed over dec 06 to feb 07 because I wrote it in fragments and lost many of the pieces
All the awkward feelings about things she said back in january and febuary I prefer to forget maybe and I guess its good that that little journal and my other paper one are missing. maybe someday Ill add them in.

IMPORTANT summary posts...

http://alvraad.livejournal.com/103780.html

 

http://alvraad.livejournal.com/103436.html

All the frustrations contained in this journal fit nicely into two long posts....

Remember this journal is skwed to show more of the bad... Im never depressed enough to write down most of the things that make me happy.

"the show was fucking epic. we met some awesome people, talked to some pretty ladies, got autographs from almost all the band members (pow pow doesn't do autographs), danced like crazy, screamed like crazy, pushed people, pulled people, learned about sloth fingers (it's completely innocent i swear), found this... band of high school kids that were talented beyond their years, made new but temporary (unfortunately) friends, celebrated alfred's birth, walked through sketchy neighborhoods, got solicited for illegal narcotics (of which we had none), and I had one of the greatest nights of my life."

In love, timing is everything. If you can't convey your feelings at that crucial moment, Even fate will pass you by.

I feel sick.

You jumped to conclusions again I was going to kill myself nov 1 our mis planed wedding day. What if I never replied?

Why Im still here is
I made Palladin class leader for my guild in World of Warcraft and I have like 6-7 palladins and entire raids that rely on me as the pally tank. Im now well on my way to full t6.
Im going to **U next semester for college. Im done with comunity college again.
I have room Im renting within walking distence.
Ill be changing jobs to a larger doctors office where I would be getting 16/hr.
Im still screwed up with meds though and the one Im on now basicly makes me fall asleep anytime anywhere whenever my brain starts "overloading"

Ps I dont give two shits a mother fuck and half a goddamn as if I could hand them out in currency about ur ungodlyrelationships. Knowing your with someone truth or not wont make me feel like I can try dating someone else myself. Unlike you Im actually trying to fix myself before I do anything legit and Im glad you're not some huge regret>.

Capture the scene of us running hand in hand
Kissing in the twilight, toes slipping through the sand
Your seduction fades to romance
The wind begins to howl while the stars shimmer and dance
I wish I may I wish I might
Love me forever, hold me tight
I will wait until I give myself to you
You swore you didn't, but I swore you knew
And you did better with bitter haste
I need your touch I want your taste
You already know, there's nothing to say
Hold me like you held me yesterday
When it was raining freezing raindrops and clouds growled at us
Let's keep us together like we've kept our trust
It was never over, we're a legend, we have history
We've still got everything, fun, trust, and mystery
November? December? Not a time for comfort
A time for leaving...I'll make this short
Grab my hand kiss me hard
Take the blade mark the scar

HER*




*note*
(yes I know I dated this wrong. Its for easy access.)
(Im really glad I found this too. I thought it was lost when her myspace was deleted. It was in an email I sent to someone showing them how happy this poem made me feel.)

woe is me. Life sucks. Im so ungrateful for all my blessings. Church bells wont ring tomarrow. Oh thats it is it you think you'll never get married. You dont want to get married what is marriage? Sounds like a bad trip imo.

my soul is my own. do do do

All by William Butler Yeats


18. A Poet to his Beloved
by William Butler Yeats

I BRING you with reverent hands
The books of my numberless dreams;
White woman that passion has worn
As the tide wears the dove-gray sands,
And with heart more old than the horn 5
That is brimmed from the pale fire of time:
White woman with numberless dreams
I bring you my passionate rhyme.

The Rose in the Deeps of his Heart
by William Butler Yeats

All things uncomely and broken,
all things worn-out and old,
The cry of a child by the roadway,
the creak of a lumbering cart,
The heavy steps of the ploughman,
splashing the wintry mould,
Are wronging your image that blossoms
a rose in the deeps of my heart.

The wrong of unshapely things
is a wrong too great to be told,
I hunger to build them anew
and sit on a green knoll apart,

With the earth and the sky and the water,
remade, like a casket of gold
For my dreams of your image that blossoms
a rose in the deeps of my heart.



Never Give All the Heart
by William Butler Yeats

Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that's lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost.



26. A Deep-sworn Vow
by William Butler Yeats

OTHERS because you did not keep
That deep-sworn vow have been friends of mine;
Yet always when I look death in the face,
When I clamber to the heights of sleep,
Or when I grow excited with wine, 5
Suddenly I meet your face.

DISINTEGRATE,
SITTING ON THE VERGE OF CONSUMPTION.
EMBRACING THIS URGE OF ERUPTION.
FALLING THROUGH
IN SUNDERING ANIMATION.
HOW
TO STABILIZE
THIS STATE.

X: so are u comming over then or what?
A: Well *** dosnt want me too...
A: ?
A: what was with that?
X: um
X: you act emo all the time
X: and you dont understand the concept of keeping your voice down
X: and your way to fucking competitave
X: your a good friend when your acting normal but then you start being retarted and are a pain in the ass
A: sorry
X: so can u not yell tonight, and not try to one up everything i say and no cry about people calling you gay
X: i mean seriously dude, nobody cares
-------
X: why do you go emo so often?
A: Did I used to do this before?
A: like last year?
X: i dunno does it really matter
X: i think your just being dumb really, why not just stop being emo?
X: stop talking to your mom on the phone in a pussy voice, stop crying when people make fun of you and stop having to be the best at everything, your cool just the way you are dude, i mean seriously, you know more about certain software programs than i do
X: i dont try to one up you, *** knowss more about certain computer hardware i dont fuck with him over it just play wow and have fun that all were trying (or at least all im trying) to do
X: guess troy might now come tonight but u should
A: might not?
A: he sounded really upset on the phone
A: he wanted to come to my house
X: his dad wants to go to the dump in the morning
A: oh he has to stay home then
X: yup
X: but whatever
X: come if u want

The Promise Of Never

[Music and Lyrics by James Malone]

To celebrate the guilt (the lies of whispering shadows)
And tattoo their words upon your ever-scarring flesh.
(Beaten, diseased, follow)
To make believes there is no guilty, to wield the liar's dagger,
And clasp his hand to celebrate the countless unborn bastards.
To praise the guilt some more, in the eyes of the fallen.
Embracing the swine, this foreplay strangulation.
(Beaten, diseased, hollow)
Though your disease is ever mine, I give you diamonds.[9 of them on a ring dec 25 2007]
And in an act to seal the oath, I gave you roses[a dozen delivered feb 14 2008], be careful of the fucking thorns.
In your eyes I saw the end, and these were your words, the promise of never[repeatedly].
Still in denial of the fact that our feeling dissolve.
I took your evil skin away with the blade of the liar's dagger,
And clasped your hand to celebrate your vile unborn bastard.

Truth is forever and forever incorporates all of the past present and future. But time is just that: temporal... Time comes unwound on both ends... The future is just as uncertain as the past if you look at it right. Both future and past are just as visible to me standing at this point called present. But neither of them are truth alone... Past lies and mistakes and future plans that never come true along with what we dread to come are all equal in my eyes- and they are all NOT TRUTH... Truth is more... truth is soul... truth is undying... truth never comes unwound and truth always exists.


I wont be happy until my soul rests at one point when our time lines collide and our presence and gravity in this ever changing universe combine... for truth... forever

Jellybean is crazy!
I hate this hunk of meat I call myself.
I dont even like the places I go to in my thoughts.
I wish the monsters that creep from the corners of my mind to the corners of my eyes would finally just assail me as their motive is implied by the forms they assume. I wouldn't be frightened in the least. Nope I would not even fight back.

Im still working on being a Bad Ass. Empathy is for wimps. I used to use my skill in feeling others thoughts to cause pain. I promise I can still make you cry in under five minutes.

I wanna be this cool...


SCAR CULTURE LYRICS...
My blood runs free now, done feeling defiled.
Strike that which poisoned me before
my sweet denial.
I've hidden for longer than i can say.
Salvation lies in those who don't betray.

I've curled up, obsessed about it, for far too
goddamned long.
With my eyes red, and a heaviness, I stumbled to your
door.
(and you heard me, and you welcomed me, and you hid
me, and you cleared me... and you held me, and you
opened me, and you helped me because they raped me)
I've felt I've come alive, I owe you so much more than
my life. It's like every sign I knew was true, hand me
my life, my mind with you.

I served my time alone, I served my time alone.
They had trapped my life, concealed my time, help make
it die...
I served my time alone, I served my time alone.
They had trapped my life, concealed my time, help make
it die...

I saw the blood in your hair. Relive it. Relive it.
Relive it. Relive it. Relive it. Relive it. Relive it.
Relive it. Relive it. ( I think I'll keep it to
myself. I think I'll keep it to myself. I think I'll
keep it to myself. I think I'll keep it to myself.)

arghh bad dreams last night...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From:
Date: May 8, 2008 10:45 PM


So did you reread this? Her hurting you (fairly contionuously) does not = happy marriage. Did you really think this thing out? When you get married the little problems you have are just going to magnify and big problems are just going to be too much. Just because you are with someone for a long time doesn't mean you HAVE to marry them. (Even though there is a point where a decision has to be made.)You can't save her. There just seems like too many things she has to do on her own. You picked some one with baggage and a lot of it. You have to expect to be hurt. (My personal opion is not to fall in love with some one who has a lot of baggage.)
Also not fighting does not mean a good relationship. Arguing occationaly is healthy. I will give you the example of both sets of my grandparents. Father's side, never argued and could hardly stand each other. My mother's side, yelled and screamed at each other all the time but always made up and loved each other very much. So fighting or not fighting really doesn't mean anything. Its about how your personalities are. In the end it boils down to happiness and making each other better people. It seems to me like she is holding you back emotionaly. From all that you have told me, my true opion is don't marry her. And if you do not now or any time soon bc she needs more then you to fix her and she has to want the help. Sorry if I've been too honest, I'm just putting myself in your shoes and knowning what I wouldn't want.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From:
Date: May 5, 2008 4:18 PM


I was sure like last Oct I was going to just leave her alone and know that since we were meant to be together everything was going to turn out allright and if she turned out wrong then it just meant we werent meant to be together. I just really hate how she keeps that fact for granted though... like relationship problems dont fix themselves and she seemed oblivious to what had been going on in our relationship and how she had been hurting me... I told her "fix my heart and I promise Ill give you all the love I have to give". She seemed like she wanted to and had been doing a good job really proving she could care about me and showing me a capacity for love I thought she didnt have but I guess forgot about it because thats where we are now.
I told her she became all introverted like all the time and I became a manipulative asshole trying to pry out of her what was bothering her and she seemed really oblivious... "so like we still have relationship problems?" We had just been bragging to one another about how we never argued and always seemed to have an almost perfect relationship.
She told me I could do anything to try to get her to talk as long as I wasnt manipulative of her feelings... and I did but nothing got her to respond and now shes acting like I should never talk to her when I know in a couple weeks she is going to open up to me and I am going to forgive her and then I'll let her hurt me again.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From:
Date: May 3, 2008 11:51 AM


No wonder she has problems. that is a lot of shit to deal with. I stick by what i said. Ur right starting your own family wouldn't fix anything

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: L
Date: May 2, 2008 9:11 AM


Yea I had approval from her real mother to marry her like 4 years ago... her mom kinda wanted to get rid of her and actually did so back in 05... she left her with the pastor who dumped her on a nice family that acted as her guardians. Then she went to live with her sister is washington state who also wanted me to marry her. I didnt even ask. She thought that it would have been a good idea for me to move to washington and get an appartment for her and I. Turns out she really didnt care much for the girl either. Her sister though legaly adopted her so that counts for something but she ended up coming back to virginia and is going to bording school. She really hasnt had much by the way of family and her and I would have fixed that problem by making our own. I recently sent a letter to her former guardians telling them about our plans including that they were called off for the time being but I talked to them on the phone and they approved of me as well and when I had already talked to them a year ago and she had said that they thought I was marryable back then. Again I didnt ask but I think she was the one that asked them what they thought... My mom on the other hand has given and withdrawn her apprvoal so many times that I dont care to ask ever again I would just get an overide from the NSA or however the method for an overide works I forget I havent looked it up ina long while. But it is awkward that when I try to be with her when my mom disapproves shit always comes from it. Maybe God is messing with me...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From:
Date: May 1, 2008 10:35 AM


No i don't drive. No car on campus but i have an outback at my g-mas that i drive home sometimes. I don't know if that girl could have looked just like me. I compleatly changed my look. I now have short/mid lenght red hair. I don't know if i uploaded any pics on my myspace but i have a couple on my facebook.

I wouldn't suggest marring her. At least not anytime soon. And when I say that I mean see if you guys get back together in a couple of years. Did you ask your mother for her aproval of the marriage? Or her parents? I think that is really important for any couple. Becuause you are stuck with the family too. Maybe if my mother had asked her parents if she should have married my father (this was before she was a baha'i)then she wouldn't have been with such a jerk off for 17 years. I don't think step parents count when your real parents are still alive and part of your life,do you? Anyways I hope things go better for you.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From:
Date: Apr 30, 2008 8:36 AM


Shitty actually... We were going out to buy rings the other week but then I told her lets wait until later because she had been in such an awkward mood... She still has the same problems to sort out and now we arent talking again... yea things dont look good but I dont care Ied rather never get married then make a mistake in marrying her. Im still giving her her space and time however much a fool that makes me. In other news... do you drive a volvo? I saw a girl that looked just like you driving near gmu the other day.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From:
Date: Apr 28, 2008 10:08 PM


Sorry i missed it. Wouldnt have mattered anyway, I was home and sick all day, couldn't even talk. How is the wedding planning going?

talking ruins everything

+ 2 dreams of a tower and the wrong home remind me to tell you later.
+ just because you really feel like someone loves you... dosent mean they will. But if it feels good do it.
btw I have boogers coming out of my effed up right eye from my sinus infection. I cant see out of it almost at all now...
TMI??
YW!!!

I found a scalple in my cargo pants pocket when I was taking my clothes off last night. I realized these were the pants I had been wearing most of the week when I was not at work. I had been carrying the thing around to school with me and everywhere else I went. It was different than the scalple I had under my bed I checked... but this meant also that I had this in my pocket durring my dream I had last weekend because I had fallen asleep wearing these pants saturday night.
Sorry if wearing pants 5 times or so before washing them seems gross...

Every time the phone rings Im scared every time its a number I dont know I freak out and every time I am at the office and someone calls and hangs up on me Im shaking for a good five minutes...

I was once a genius or something...
Then I was a hellian...
Then I was evil...
Then I was a hopeless romantic
Then I was necro kvlt
Then I was a hopeless romantic
Then I was a group hallucination
Then I was a hopeless romantic
Now Im supposedly a psychopath...?
Now I would label myself as burnt out...
I hope to be once again grim and frost bitten necro kvlt. That is my current aspiration in life. Like I was for tenth grade unfeeling unemotional hardened by a pain I could no longer feel or maybe treasured. Only my faith in God and my grim determination to prove something to myself for a cause as feeble now as it was then. Keeping myself as a pure fallen angel... in hopes that one day... because I still believe...
someone is sacred in this world... God did create beauty amidst all the pain the world is in.

That girl posted a quiz crap thing on her page thing that I wont say what it was for her privacy... I remember heather taking the same quiz along while ago. It was expected how many of the answers were the same... Last movie watched. phantom of the opera last person you talked to on the phone Alvraad... Other stuff im just not gonna put for her privacy...
notable differences was there were no references to pucking induced by alchol... I know this other girl openly drank she had drank occasionaly since she was 14 I remember but always around trusted friends and never drinking to get drunk. Im not sure but maybe like 5 times in her whole life... She was anti drugs and such. However Heather had always told me she had never actually drank or only tasted alcohol onece or something awkward... With this other girl I didnt care that she had tasted alcohol she was still good in my mind... With Heather it hurts my soul when I found out she had lied to me about her drinking... maybe it is because she lied. I wouldnt have minded the truth and here is the evidance. I care about both of them they are both really good people in my mind I wish for neither to ever do drugs or alcohol.
One of the questions... do you believe in long distance relationships this girl had put heck no.. I chose not to remember what heather had put.
But she had recently broken up with her stupid boyfriend... some beaner who started to annoy her the moment they broke up. I dont know why she would date people like that most of her recent boyfriends sounded obviously wrong for her... live and learn and then realize the only reason for dating is not pleasure but to find someone you could spend the rest of your life with. People in this world there are maybe 50 other people they could be with and be happy and live long lives and never get divorced... However I was talking to Ashley yesterday and she told me that I am the kind of person that there is only one person that I would mesh well with out there that when I find that one person then we will have TRUE LOVE and that there would no longer be all the problems and heartaches that Ive had with other realtionships...